If Tim Tebow were a Paramedic

  • Management would love Tim Tebow. He may be unorthodox in his patient care, but he somehow seems to get the job done. He is quick to deflect praise on himself towards the other rescuers on scene. “I had a great team out there on that paper cut call.”
  • Tim Tebow would never need dispatchers. He would ride around his zone, asking people if they needed to be saved today.
  • His hospital turnover times would be terrible. It’s difficult to effectively proselytize and complete paperwork in a timely manner.
  • He could never work for a Presbyterian, Jewish, Catholic or Methodist Hospital ambulance service. It’s strictly Baptist for him.
  • He could never work for one company for longer than 6 months. He is the child of missionaries, after all.
  • He would never have received his paramedic education from an accredited school, no. He hired Johnny and Roy to come homeschool him in how to be a paramedic.
  • He would never wear the gold patch of the NREMT, unless he was allowed to wear cologne of frankincense, and gargle with myrrh.
  • He would easily win Paramedic of the Year in only his second year on the streets.
  • His stethoscope name-tag, instead of saying “Tim Tebow” would display a bible verse instead. Complaints from atheist patients or hospital workers would prompt his employer to issue a new “Tebow-Littman rule” banning bible verses from prominent stethoscope display.
  • He would not be allowed to carry laryngoscope blades, as he is 167-for-353 on his intubation attempts, for a dismal 47.3% success rate.
  • Despite his low success rate at intubation, he would have an extremely high cardiac arrest save rate, and his career paramedic rating would hover around 75, with his cardiac arrest rating being 125.6. At least he is rated better in a sudden-death scenario.
  • He would make the cover of JEMS wearing a sleeveless uniform shirt and cutoff jean shorts. He is from Florida, after all.
  • His on-scene times would be terrible, as he would thank Jesus for each successful IV start, or rhythm strip. His 12-leads would be delayed, albeit briefly, while he prayed to God for a normal axis without ectopy or ST-segment elevation.
  • There would be no a-fib in Tim Tebow’s ambulance. Or v-fib for that matter. You can’t lie to Tim Tebow.
  • He would have no problem conforming with Federal Specifications, specifically KKK-A-1822b, and ANSI Z53.1-1979, as his favorite colors are already orange and blue.
  • He would hobble onto the hospital ramp with only half the lights working, with 3 flat tires and a busted radiator hose, doing CPR frantically, but the patient would have a pulse, and wake up in time to thank Tebow for saving the game his life. In reality, the thanks should be given to the kicker partner for arriving at the destination as time expired on the vehicle.
  • Can you imagine Tim Tebow calling a report in a hurry-up mode? “Rampart, Rampart, MALE! Forty-two, Forty-two!” (punching his chest while looking at the patient) “Sinus, sinus on the 12, Watch for ectopy…Che….stPAIN! CAD! HTN! Aspirin, NITRO, NITRO, NITRO, in five, ready…HUTHUTHUT!”

Thanks to Greg Friese for the inspiration.  This was fun!

Comments

  1. Awesome write-up. I love it.

  2. Well, here I go again….

    I have an unmarried, 24 year old daughter, a “babe” by all accounts.

    Would I approve if she brought Tim Tebow home?

    Hell Yes.

    For all you “Dads” out there, take an honest look at who you want your kids to come home with…..

    Tim Tebow is alright by me……

  3. Note to self: remind CCC to write a book.

    • HM Publishing?

      Really though, I’m flattered. Perhaps I will just bind up my blog one day.

      But no one would buy it, since they would have already read it. Classic catch-22.

  4. As a DIEHARD Broncos fan – That’s some awesome stuff right there – excellent comparison and you got a couple of out loud laughs.

    To keep Tebow debate intact – I’d say he CAN intubate…. he just needs a better laryngoscope and tubes that do what he expects them to LOL

    GREAT job CCC

Trackbacks

  1. [...] on Tim Tebow as a Paramedic. Captain Chair Confessions, with some compelling stats, writes about Tim Tebow as a Paramedic. I am sure we won’t find the Social Medic “tebowing” anytime soon, but he did lay [...]

  2. [...] Captain Chair Confessions has a hilarious write-up pointing out several facts about “Paramedic Tebow”. He covers everything from scene times to not being able to work anything but a Baptist organization. Check out his article at “Captain Chair Confessions” HERE. [...]

  3. [...] offers his take and has Medic Tebow learning from Johnny and Roy at home… which may be an actual improvement on our current educational system even if Tim Tebow never [...]

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