I mean, seriously. Why do we have to be friends? I much prefer the title “acquaintances.”
I’ve never been one for needing/wanting/making friends. The people I consider friends are few and far between. I’m thinking there are 6 people I consider friends.
Not to say that I’m not friendly with others. I get along well with my coworkers and people I see at work, with a few exceptions. Like, 2 exceptions. Dumbass and Rambo. Whatever. That’s going to be another post.
Take Slimm for example. I like him. He has all the necessary traits needed to be a good person. He’s nice. He has a good work ethic. He’s a good father and husband. He’s a good EMT and a good partner. But we aren’t friends. We discussed this topic a few days ago.
His contention was that we were friends by default. From simply spending 12 hours at a time together in an ambulance, we have gotten to know each other well. As is to be expected in a partnership. He thinks “that makes us friends by default.” I disagreed, and informed him that we weren’t friends.
Slimm knows the names of my wife and children, and has seen pictures and videos. (Hey, toddlers are cute, okay?) But he has never met them. He’s never seen the inside, much less the outside of my house. Hell, he doesn’t even have a general idea, aside from a city’s name, where I live. And that’s perfectly okay with me.
This in no way means we aren’t friendly. I just don’t see the necessity of titling a relationship as “friends.” I much prefer to be “coworkers.” I would rather be thought of as a good clinician and strong paramedic, than a friend.
It seems that I take the opposite approach to the majority of those in EMS these days. The majority of my coworkers seem have this unspoken need to be friends with each other. Well, not all of them. It seems to be a generational thing. The younger crowd, of which there are increasing numbers, seem to have this inherent need for approval and self-validation. While I am one of the younger generation chronologically, I am a member of the older generation when considering experience. I have seen lots of people come and go from this field, and have met all types of people. Most come and go quickly. This is not a field for the faint of heart or weak-stomached. Lots of people that have come and gone simply can’t handle the stress that comes with this career.
And that’s okay.
I think of the Italian that I spent several years with. We worked in a low-income area with a large indigent population. We ran lots of serious calls, at least one per shift. And when I think of paramedic ability, he consistently ranks at the top of any list I can come up with. But he is an absolute jerk, and I despise him personally.
That doesn’t matter, at least in my opinion, because I respect him as a paramedic. I have since moved on to another service, and the Italian and I rarely cross paths, and if we do, it is while passing in and out of emergency rooms.
There were numerous opportunities for me to switch shifts, and change partners. But I stayed with him because I wanted to be part of a crew that did a good job, and was respected. The Italian taught me much of what I know, most importantly, the necessity of remaining calm under pressure.
While I can’t stand him personally, I can think of few people with whom I would trust the lives of my family.
If I have to be remembered as anything, I would want people to say “I would have trusted CCC with the lives of my children and loved ones.” That’s a far bigger compliment than “he was a good friend” could ever be.
Flash, who reads this blog, and is a frequent commenter, is one of those I consider a friend. While we met on an ambulance, and that’s the majority of what we have in common, it seems to be deeper than that. Flash has a child my age, and is only a few years younger than my parents. He has been a paramedic as long as I have been alive, if not slightly more, yet he understands friends is not what this career is about. He’s a devout Christian, (which I plan on addressing soon enough) and a history buff. Simply put, his life is not EMS. I hear he is an excellent organist, which is where he got his nickname. But I’ve never heard him play. I really should, though.
While his chronological age is closer to that of my parents, I have never thought of him in terms of his age. He’s always been plain Flash to me. I value Flash as a friend, and regularly seek his opinion on various topics. We share a mutual respect and admiration for each other.
Like I said, it’s far more valuable to me to be respected then friends.
Perhaps there is a need for validation because of the notion of self-esteem. Personally, I don’t think of self-esteem as something that comes from my list of friends, but from the satisfaction I gain from doing things right.
I can think back to early grade school, when I was first introduced to the concept of self-esteem. “It’s important to feel good about yourself, and being liked by others is a big part of self-esteem” the teacher would say.
That’s crap, and in my humble opinion, a large part of what is wrong with society.
When someone’s need for validation through friends outweighs their desire to do good and right by people, what we have is a disconnect. We have popular paramedics and EMTs, instead of good paramedics and EMTs.
Love me, hate me, like me, dislike me. I don’t give a damn. Just give me the chance to prove my competence. Once you give me that chance, I promise I won’t disappoint.
Respect me as a paramedic, not because we are friendly with each other.
Related posts:
I socialize with very few of my coworkers. It’s not because we’re not friendly, but because the only thing we have in common is EMS. When we’re away from the job, I don’t want to talk about the job, and I’m too damned old to go out drinking with a bunch of twenty-somethings.
Those that I do consider friends, we have common interests outside EMS. Shooting and hunting, usually.
Amen.
Well, I hardly know what to say. I wouldn’t have thought that I would make the cut, given the parameters.
But there are always two sides to friendship so the other person may view you as a friend, and when the chips are down, may be your friend, even if he doesn’t make the cut on your side.
That said, there are friends and friendship, there are friendly acts and friendliness, there are colleagues, and there is evolution within all of these things. One may progress from being colleagues to being friends over time.
People may also mistake friendliness and friendly acts for something more than what they are. I have partners whom I thoroughly dislike, primarily because of their attitudes towards the job. I may do a friendly act for them and I try never to be unfriendly. I take the chance they will mistake that for approval of their demeanor. They probably do. I doubt any of them think of me as a friend and they shouldn’t.
Friendship may evolve. You may have someone as a colleague or with whom you are associated socially and that person eventually becomes a friend. And there are degrees of friendship. I know who my closest friends are, the ones that I can call on in any situation and know they will respond. A colleague who became a long-time friend showed up at my home when we brought my Dad home under hospice care and proceeded to clean the house, help me deal with all the care needs for my Dad in those first few hours. She was there for me and my family the next few days, on-site and working hard. That I will never forget.
I had a friend once, one of the closest friends I’ve ever had. At a certain point, he had an affair with a married colleague and when she broke it off, not long after, he started an affair with another colleague. Eventually, they plotted together to bring about the divorce and he did indeed participate in breaking up a marriage with three children. We are no longer friends at all and have not communicated in years. So there are standards that may be involved with friendship.
I will say this: I’m glad for the friends that I have, of all degrees. And delighted to know that CCC considers me one of his friends. I certainly have long considered him one of mine. Even though I have food in the refrigerator older than him.
Thanks for putting this out there. I have been saying this for years now and it almost always offends someone.
My father always said “You are lucky if you can count your friends on one hand and most of the time you will find its just one finger” My Dad is a wise man and I have taken that to heart.
We do NOT need to be friends to progress our chosen field; we do NEED to be respected as providers. We should feel good about the work we have done for the day and not how someone else made us feel.
I have enjoyed reading your blog. Keep up the strong work!