A “person who needs to be checked out” at an apartment near the University. We are going by ourselves for once.

Today is Newguy’s day in the back, which means I get to carry this stupid jump bag up three flights of stairs. Great.

“What’s going on today?” he asks the college-aged male who answers the door.

We are doing Boston accents on this call, so I can’t help cracking a smile.

“Man, something is wrong with me, man” comes the reply.

“Okay. What’s wrong?”

“Man, I just don’t feel good.”

“Okay. What’s wrong?”

“Man, I’m telling you, I just don’t feel good.”

“You’re going to have to be a little more specific.”

“I dunno, man. Like, I just don’t feel good.”


He gets quiet for a minute and looks down at the floor. “I think I smoked too much weed, man.”

“You smoked too much weed?”


“And now you’re really high?”


“Was the weed laced with anything? Did you do any other drugs? Anything like that?”

“Nah, man. Just the weed.”

“Are you sure the weed wasn’t laced with anything?”


“How are you sure?”

“’Cuz I know my weed.”

“But do you know the guy you bought it from well enough to know it wasn’t laced with anything?”

“I didn’t buy it.”

“Okay. How’d you get it? Did someone give it to you?”

“I grew it in my closet.”


“Man, I am so high. Something is wrong with me. Man, I don’t think I can read any more, MAN!

“Let me get this straight. You grow your own marijuana in your closet, and now you smoked so much that you can’t read, and you want to go to the hospital?”

“Do I need to go to the hospital?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think they can help you with reading comprehension.”

“I’ve never been this high before.”


We took him to the hospital.


  1. Two marijuana stories.

    The first was a call for a person overdosing on drugs. He wasn’t, but his sister wanted us to tell him not to use drug. I turned to him and said, “Don’t use drugs.” We then left.

    The second was a call for an 18 year old with a seizure. He was alert when we arrived and initially made up some BS for the cause of the seizure. One of the idiot EMTs on the call suggested to me that it was a “febrile seizure”. I told her that he was 18 years old, not 18 months old. Just in case she couldn’t figure that one out on her own.

    The patient finally admitted that he had smoked marijuana for “the first time.”


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