Stupid policy #73,893

So a local assisted-living facility called our service directly today. Usually not a big deal, it’s something that happens quite routinely, as matter-of-fact. But it was the notes in the call that were strange:

M subj fell/No inj/No comp/Facilty req code-4 chk/No RLS/Prvt req/

So, deciphering the jargon, some guy fell, isn’t injured, doesn’t have a complaints, but the facility wants us to “check him out.” Which is complete bullshit. They don’t want us to “check anyone out.” They just want to pawn off some perceived liability.

“Med two.”

“Go ahead.”

“Your subject will be outside on the porch, smoking. White male, khakis, red sweater, approximately 70 years of age. Patient is aware you are responding, but states he does not want an ambulance.”

“Two clear.”

What fresh hell is this? So some guy fell, says he’s okay, isn’t hurt, doesn’t want an ambulance, and decided to go outside for a smoke break, yet we still have to go “check him out.”

“This is probably the dumbest thing I’ve done all year.” Smokey says.

“Don’t count them chickens just yet, buddy, we still got almost a week left in this year.”

Sure enough, there’s some old guy in a red sweater and khakis, sitting in a rocking chair, smoking. He looks pleasant.

“Hey there, feller!”

“Well howdy! I told them ladies in thar not to call all y’all, but they done did!”

“You hurt?”

“Naw, I don’t reckon so.”

“You want an ambulance?”

“Wouldn’t have much use for one of them.”

“You want to go to the hospital?”

“I really wanna finish that puzzle I got goin’ inside.”

“Cool. You mind if I smoke with you for a little while?”

So we sat down for a few minutes, Smokey had his smoke, I worked on my crossword puzzle for a bit, then an employee came out. I did my best to keep my mouth shut, and I let Smokey do all the talking.

“Hi, guys. Sorry to bother you. We just have to have him checked out.”

“Y’all can’t do that here?”

“No, we have to call the ambulance to do it.”

“Then why do y’all have nurses in the building?”

“Nurses can’t have him sign a refusal.”

“Well, we can’t neither.”

“But he has to.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Our policy says he does.”

“Good thing I don’t work here, cuz that policy makes about as much sense as a trapdoor on a canoe.”

 

And that’s the story of the second incident report I had to write in less than two weeks.

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