Conundrum

“Hey, C, it is time for your annual training and stuff. These are the days you have to come in for your TB test, mask fitting, and the safety course evaluation. It should take about two hours total”

“Hmm. I work this day, this day, and that day. Can I do it when I get off work?”

“What about this day here and these two days over here?”

“I’m off those days.”

“But can’t you come in?”

“Probably not.”

“Okay, we’ll come back to that in a minute, but I think you are going to have to come in on one of your off days. We assigned you some courses online that you need to complete, too. It should take about three hours.”

“But didn’t IT just disable the Internet on the Toughbooks?”

“Yeah, you’ll have to do it at home.”

“On my off time? How am I going to get paid for that? Do I need to fill out a time exception sheet or something for HR?”

“No, you have to complete it on your own time. We can’t pay you for it.”

“So you are going to require my attendance here on my off day, and require me to do three hours of work, but aren’t going to pay me for either? I’m going to give you 5 hours of my off day, and not get compensated?”

 

And I’m the only one who sees a problem here?

Look here, Miss Bubbly

I get it. Your bubbly personality is part of your ‘shtick.’ Everyone understands, you were a housewife, but your husband was a meany-head, and you divorced him, and had to get a job, and for some reason chose EMS. Whatever.

And you like to make cute little jokes, thinking your personality will make up for your lack of experience or real-world knowledge. But they don’t.

Making jokes and trying to be all cutesy is just fine and dandy, at the appropriate times. But that time is not in the middle of a patient’s home while they are having a myocardial infarction. I needed a hand with vitals, IV, and meds, but you had to go pet Sadie instead.

Oh, you didn’t realize that’s what was happening?

Maybe you could shut your mouth and open your eyes. Pay attention. Look at the patient. Hell, I don’t know, maybe you could follow the cues of your paramedic partner, and the fire department medic. Our combined experience may not be exactly as many years as you are old, but we know what we are doing.

But at least the dog was happy, right?

Churlish

“Hi, this is C with Local Ambulance, I have a patient report I’d like to call in.”

“We are on diversion.”

“Yeah, I know. I tried to tell my patient that, but she insisted on coming to your hospital.”

“But we are on diversion.”

“I understand, but my patient wants to be seen there, so we are bringing her in. Would you like a report?”

“I don’t think you heard me. We are on diversion. You can’t bring her here.”

“Okay then. No problem. I’ll just need the name of the physician refusing to accept my patient.”

<click>

(and later on…)

“We don’t have any beds. You’ll have to wait there by the wall.”

“Okay, sure thing.”

The ER is virtually empty. The tracking board says they have five patients and more than twenty available rooms. It’s 6:45 on a Sunday morning. I spot two nurses playing checkers and drinking coffee.

Seriously, checkers.

“Hey, C, the bed in 6 is empty.” Slimm tells me after about 15 minutes of waiting and being ignored.

“Sweet. Let’s do it.”

(and later on, after being ignored for a few more minutes, and moving the patient to the empty bed in the empty ER…)

“Excuse me, would you happen to know who the nurse is for room 6?”

“We don’t have a patient in room 6.”

“Yes, you do. If you’ll look right over my shoulder, you’ll see a patient in the bed in room 6.”

“Where did that patient come from?”

“My stretcher.”

“You can’t do that!”

“Sure I can.”

“I’m getting the charge nurse!”

(charge nurse appears, obviously upset that her game of checkers was interrupted…)

“I told you we were on diversion.”

“But you hung up on me before I could get the name of the doctor refusing to see the patient.”

“But we are on diversion. I’m not accepting your patient.”

“It’s a little late for that.”

“No, it isn’t. You had better put that patient back on your stretcher and leave!”

“I can’t do that.. That’s against the law. Sign here, please.”

“No!”

“Okay. Thanks. Bye.”

Right

“Are you allergic to any medicines?”

“Yes.”

“Like…which ones?”

“Tramadol, Toradol, NSAIDS, Ibuprofren, and Meloxicam.”

“So, you’re allergic to non-narcotic pain medications?”

“Exactly.”

My policy trumps your policy

Today we pick up where we left off with our previous call.

To recap; some chick doesn’t want to be at school, so she either a) is having a panic attack because she forgot her homework, or, b) just wants to go home. The fireputterouters have no idea that nothing is actually wrong with the patient, because instead of performing an assessment, they went straight for the IV attempt.

And blew up both of her ACs in the process. With 22 gauge catheters.

Seriously, a 22 in the AC? Knock it off, guys.

Slimm and I fixed the flag, and we are walking out of the classroom, ostensibly in a hurry to take care of our critical patient.

Some guy approaches. This guy looks official. He has grey hair and a lanyard, AND a whistle.

“This is Missus Whatsherface. She is going to ride with you.”

“She will have to follow us down to the hospital, we can’t take riders.”

“Well, it is the school policy that a staff member accompanies any student.”

“Okay. She can accompany the student at the hospital. Slimm and I will accompany her in the ambulance.”

Now, mind you, I’m not really against people riding in the ambulance with patients. Frankly, I don’t care. Except in cases like this. First, this guy is being a mega-douche, and second, we don’t take riders in the ambulance with fakers/anxiety attacks. We give them quiet rides, with vital signs monitored. And third, I don’t like the cut of this guy’s jib.

“Umm, one of our staff members has to ride in the ambulance with her. It is our policy.

“I am terribly sorry, but it is the policy of the ambulance service that will be transporting her that only immediate family members ride in the ambulance with any patient, and that is at the discretion of the ambulance crew.”

She followed in her car. With her flashers on the whole way. Later, I find out that Lanyardman called and complained. And lo and behold, my supervisor stood up for me.  “Yes, sir, I understand, but the paramedic made the right decision, and followed our company policy.”

Maybe the third time that has ever happened.